Click the picture of Ella for a slideshow…

Ella Raine

Ms. Ella is here!   She made her entrance on Wednesday, October 14th at 1:45 in the afternoon.  She was just over 8 pounds, and I don’t know how long she was because we still haven’t measured her!  But she’s healthy and beautiful, and nursing like a champ. 

I still feel like I’m processing things a little.  The events of Wednesday get all swimmy in my head when I think about them. 

I suppose the story of Ella’s birth really begins back in January of 2008 when I delivered Aiden.  We had a typical hospital birth with him, complete with an epidural and  Pitocin, and followed by a 5 hour NICU stay because of a quivery chin.  Aiden was born at 6:55 in the morning.  Because I had a bad reaction to the epidural, I was vomiting and fighting low blood pressure within seconds of him being born.  I barely saw him before they whisked him away to the NICU, and within moments of him being born, the room had cleared, and I was sitting in the bed, still numb and unable to move from the epidural, intermittently vomiting and trying not to pass out, completely alone.  I remember thinking in that moment that this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.  I should be enjoying my newborn, and celebrating with my husband, and instead I was completely alone and my husband and the newborn I hadn’t even seen, were gone. 

Five hours later, they finally brought me my son, and by that point I was so upset at how things had progressed, I just wanted to pack him up and go home.  But instead, we stayed the 72 hours our insurance allowed, being poked and prodded by intrusive nurses who would barely let us fall asleep before they had some other test they needed to whisk him off to the nursery for. 

In the months after Aiden was born, Shawn and I discussed at length if we were done having children, or if we thought we might want another one someday down the road.  We were overwhelmed with a newborn, a 12 month old, and a four year old, but still weren’t completely convinced that our family was completely finished.  We thought maybe when Aiden was two or three we might try just once more. 

It took me several months to completely recover, emotionally, from Aiden’s birth.  I struggled with feelings of guilt; the quivery chin that sent him to the NICU was caused by low blood sugar, which was caused by my decision to have an epidural.  The epidural also caused my low blood pressure and my vomiting post-delivery, which led me to not be able to properly advocate for my son after he was born.  I struggled with the thoughts of him having spent the first few hours of his life in a bassinet in the NICU being poked and prodded and given shots I didn’t consent to, instead of being held and snuggled and nursed by his mommy. 

I spent the next months not only trying to make up for the critical bonding time I’d lost with my son, but also researching my options so that when we did decide to have another baby; what happened with Aiden wouldn’t happen again.  And that is when I discovered homebirthing.  And instinctually, it just felt so right.  I could give birth in the comfort of my home, surrounded by my children and my husband, and have a peaceful, loving transition to life for my newborn. 

So, in February, when we found out we were expecting again, it felt only natural that one of the first phone calls I would make was to a midwife. 

***
When I first hired our midwife, I felt a little hesitant about her.  Despite our shared views on birth and homeschooling and western medicine, our personalities never seemed to completely mesh.  She was quiet and reserved, and I….well, am not.  But, I felt at peace with her, and as time went on, we became friends with her and her family, and my faith in her to help me achieve the birth I was looking for was solidified.  So, it hit me pretty hard when, in early September we had a falling out that caused Shawn and I to decide to end the relationship with her.  Not only had we lost a woman who had become a family friend, but along with her, I seemed to have lost my ideal birthing situation. 

Shawn and I spent a few days going over our options.  Living in a small town, there weren’t any other midwives to turn to.  I had seen one other midwife a few weeks earlier in Iowa City, when I had needed a prescription.  I adored her…her energy was amazing, and every time I talked to her I walked away feeling like I could do anything.  But sadly, she was too far away to attend my birth, and with less than six weeks before the baby was due, she was booked up for the month anyway.  But we talked a couple of times in the days after I made the decision to let my midwife go, and between talking to her and talking to each other, and reading everything we could get our hands on, we decided we could do this on our own.  We didn’t need to go to the hospital, we didn’t need a midwife. We could have the intimate homebirth we wanted, and we could do it ourselves. 

***
The next few weeks were spent preparing.  A friend of mine had just gone through Doula training, so we hired her to attend our birth.  We ordered supplies, researched homeopathics to have on hand, and read countless books on what to do in the rare case of an emergency.  I spent time mentally preparing for the birth; I focused on trusting my body to know what to do, and prepared myself to completely surrender to the experience I was about to have.  Shawn and I spent time talking to each other; confronting our fears, laying out our expectations, and building up a trust that together, we were capable of doing this. 

***
In the week before my due date, I spent several nights awake in the living room, listening to music and meditating while my body went through prodromal labor.  I would have steady contractions for hours that would eventually fade to nothing.  And while it was endlessly frustrating, I had a great support group of women who had also free-birthed, who reminded me that my body was preparing itself, and the more work it did now, the less work labor would be when the time came. 

Wednesday morning, the fourteenth, I woke up having contractions.  But given that I’d been having them for nearly a week solid, I didn’t give it much thought.  By 9:30, I noticed that they were steadily three to four minutes apart, so I called Shawn at work to tell him that, while I was sure they would go nowhere, he should probably keep his cell phone close by, just in case.  I also called my doula, Tabatha, to let her know.  I went about the morning, cleaning, changing diapers, and chatting on the phone with my mom. 

Around 10:30, I was having to stop and breathe through a contraction occasionally, so I called Shawn again.  He timed contractions for a few minutes while we talked, and decided they were steady enough that he’d come home for lunch.  If it turned out to be real labor he’d stay home, and if not, he’d head back to the office after lunch.  While I waited for him to get home, I fixed the kids lunches and put them in baggies in the fridge.  I cleaned up the last minute toys, finished up some things I didn’t want to have to do later on if this turned out to be real labor. 

Shawn got home around 11:30, and by 11:45 I was having to hold on to the counter during contractions, and I told him I didn’t think he would be going back to work.  By 12:15, I was on all fours over the end of the couch, and he was putting Aiden down for his nap.  At 12:30, I told him I thought he should call Tabatha.  He finished his lunch, laid Aiden down and called her.  After he hung up with her, I needed to go to the bathroom, but couldn’t get there alone.  He walked beside me, and by the time we reached the hallway, we had to stop for the second time so I could breathe through another contraction.  At that point, I braced my back against the wall, and leaned my head into Shawn’s chest.  And, at the height of the contraction, in the middle of my breathing and moaning, I started laughing, and managed to say to Shawn  “Oh my god, you smell like potato chips so bad!!”  He laughed and promised to brush his teeth as soon as he helped me back to the couch. 

I was having insanely strong contractions at that point, and despite my visions of having a quiet labor where I breathed silently through each new contraction, I was moaning loudly through the pain, into my pillow.  Mentally, I kept thinking about how ridiculous I must have sounded, but each time I’d try and fight making noise, it would intensify the contraction, and send me into a panic.  Being on all fours was the only position that would accomodate the pain of labor and the pain of my SPD. 

Tabatha was here by 1:15, and she arrived just as I was having this mental debate with myself about being quiet during contractions, and doing so had left me bent over the end of the couch sobbing into my pillow.  I was pretty sure I was going to scare her away from doula-ing forever!   Once she arrived, I needed to use the bathroom again, and she and Shawn helped me to the bathroom.  Tabatha waited for me, while Shawn got the birth pool and began filling it with air.  He was on the floor filling it up when I got back to the couch. 

Shawn and I had talked in the days before labor about how when I got to the point that I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore, I wanted him to remind me that this probably meant that I was in transition, and that things were almost over. 

By the time I got back to the couch, I had reached that point.  I was practically screaming through each contraction, and there was no way I could imagine getting off the couch and into the pool.  I kept trying to vocalize this, but my contractions were so strong, all I could say was, “I can’t, I can’t” which left Tabatha and Shawn saying, ”But you are! You are doing it!” Shawn reminded me that I was probably in transition, and while I certainly felt that way, my labors have been historically SO LONG, I couldn’t even begin to fathom we might be near the end. 

But, two contractions later, I felt my water break.  Tabatha got a bunch of towels, and put them underneath me.  One contraction later, I suddenly felt the need to push.  I told them I thought I needed to, and since I was still wearing my pants, Shawn came over and tried to help me get them off.  Except he tried to take them off while I was in the middle of a contraction, screaming into my pillow, and I begged him to wait.  Finally, the contraction ended and he and Tabatha were able to get my pants off.  The whole time, I kept thinking, ”I’m going to ruin the couch!”  But there wasn’t anywhere else for me to go, even if I could have moved, which at this point I couldn’t. 

It didn’t matter though, because one contraction after they got my pants off, I had pushed her head out.  Shawn reminded me to stop pushing and “breathe the baby out,” something we had talked about doing before she was born.  But the desire to push was so strong, I thought I would give one small push, and then breathe her out.  But that one small push was enough, and I felt her body slide out of me and into her Daddy’s waiting hands.  She was pink and perfect, and she let out a tiny cry almost immediately.  Fifteen minutes later, I delivered the placenta, and Shawn cut the cord. 

The kids are doing really well.  Connor was a little unsure if he wanted to be there for the birth, or if he would be too nervous, but he ended up watching her be born from about three feet away!  Afterwards he told me he was glad he had stayed, and that now, he thinks he wants to be a doctor!  Autumn…well….Autumn did pretty good.  She handled my moaning and screaming like a trooper, but was less thrilled when the baby actually came out.  She ended up running into the hallway crying and saying she was scared over and over again.  Afterwards, she said about a hundred times, “I was scared, I was crying.  That baby was gross.  That baby was dirty!!”  Screaming and moaning didn’t phase her, but a little meconium really freaked her out!  I have also heard about ten times in the past few days, “Mommy, that baby fell out of your butt!”  And, Aiden slept through the entire thing!  When he woke up about an hour after the birth, I had already showered and was sitting on the couch nursing Ella.  He walked out and was totally oblivious to the fact that I had a baby on my lap, but was more excited that the birth pool was in the living room! When he finally realized the baby was with me, he ran over screaming, “BABY!! BABY!”  and kissed her about fifty times.  All of them are completely in love with her, and are falling all over each other trying to be the one that gets to hold her next!

Four days later…Physically I’m doing amazing.  I felt better half an hour after giving birth than I felt two weeks afterwards with my hospital births.  Emotionally…I’m still a little shocked that things progressed as quickly as they did.  I’m still on a bit of an adrenaline high from the whole thing, that is only recharged each time someone asks me about the birth.  I can honestly say that having a free-birth has changed who I am as a mother and who I am as a woman.  It has changed the way I view what I am capable of, and has increased the trust I have in myself.  Despite the chaos and the fast-pace, it was an amazingly intimate experience between Shawn and me.  It left me feeling as if together, he and I can do anything. 

Overall, the birth was nothing like I planned for.  It was nothing like what I was expecting.  But it was everything I hoped it would be.

These last couple of weeks have been pretty trying.  Dealing with two active toddlers and a VERY active six year old while being only days away from having a baby has been exhausting, to say the least.  I have been an emotional wreck, even on the best of days!  But, I wanted to take a minute, and just say thank you.  So many of you have really come through for me, and just feeling a little supported has helped so much!

So, thank you.  For the emails, the phone calls, the twitter and facebook messages, the visits, the thoughts sent our way…they’ve all helped tremendously. 

We’re almost ready for Ms. Ella to make her debut.  All of our supplies have arrived, the birth pool has been tested, her clothes have been washed…now we’re just waiting for her to arrive.  I know a few of you have expressed concern about us having a freebirth, but I’ve never felt so prepared and excited for anything before.  And, we can’t wait to share her arrival with all of you!

Last weekend, my kiddos had their first experience with Iowa sweet corn!  My mom brought some with her, and Sunday we decided to make it to have with our baked chicken.  They were THRILLED to help “peel off the icky stuff!” 

As unschoolers, back to school season means very little to us.  This week we’ll register with the local school district to fulfill our legal requirements, but there’s no getting a new teacher, shopping for school supplies, school clothes shopping, or open houses.  But, as luck would have it, I have pretty much neglected this blog over the summer, so here’s a look at how we spent our summer vacation…

We spent several nights, especially back in the early parts of June, outside catching fireflies…

We attended First Friday Art Walk in June, but it was the only one we’d go to all summer.  Between my SPD making it difficult to walk much, and the sheer number of people who attend making it hard to maneuver the narrow/under construction streets, it was just too much hassle…

Shawn had the chance to channel his inner-Jeff Corwin a few times..

We tried a few new foods…

We spent a lot of time working in our garden. …

When the weather was hot enough, we spent time playing in the water…

But more than once, we found ourselves facing dangerous storms…

We learned a few new tricks…

We watched our littlest man take his first steps…

We spent lots of weekends “herping” for frogs/toads at a local park…

But mostly, we spent time together.  Loving, laughing, enjoying each other.  And proving everyday that it doesn’t take a classroom or a curriculum for learning to happen. 

Part One: Moving away from Punishments

In my post about why we said yes to Television, I touched briefly on how my husband, Shawn, and I try and raise our three (soon to be four!) kids in a consensual environment. Several people had questions about what exactly it means, and how it leads to us handling different situations in our family. Over the next couple of weeks, I’ll address how living in this environment effects how we approach discipline, day-to-day living, and school.

Essentially, for our family, living in a consensual environment means that each member of our family’s wants and needs are equally considered, regardless of age. Our six year olds’ opinions and feelings about any particular issue are addressed just as my husband’s and mine are. It means we see it as our job as parents to teach and guide our children, not to punish or control them. I know this philosophy is hard for some people to imagine. It can be hard to let go of the “My house, my rules” mentality that many of us were raised with. But doing exactly that has led our family to a level of peace and contentment I didn’t think was possible to have.

After Connor, our oldest, was born, Shawn and I had lots of discussions about parenting/discipline philosophies. Both of us agreed that for our family, spanking was off the table. When Connor hit a fiercely independent and challenging phase at about three, we experimented with timeouts. If he threw a toy, we would put him on a chair for three minutes. Generally, he would scream and cry, which would elevate our frustration. Then, when the three minutes were up? He would get down from the chair, go back to playing, and inevitably end up throwing a toy again within minutes. At this point we decided that punishment of any kind left the important question of WHY unanswered. If Connor was throwing a toy because he was angry, it was beneficial to find out what had led to that feeling, and then talk to him about more appropriate ways to release his anger: hit a pillow, go in your room and scream, walk away from the situation, etc. This approach allowed us to address the reason for the behavior: Was he hungry or tired or bored or angry? And then help him find a solution, rather than punishing for the behavior. It seems so simplistic, but it has made a tremendous difference. As time has gone on, it has also helped Connor put into words why he is feeling or behaving in the way he is without fear of punishment.

As we began to let go of the idea that we had to be “in control” of him and his behavior, we found it was helpful to ask ourselves, “How would I respond to this situation if my spouse was behaving this way?” If my husband had been working on a project, and left a mess all over the floor and I wanted it cleaned up…how would I handle it? I certainly wouldn’t yell at him to clean it up right now because I said to, and then threaten to send him to bed early, or take away his toys if he didn’t do it. My husband certainly deserves more respect than that, so why do we, as parents sometimes act as though our children do not?

We’re not perfect. Our children aren’t perfect. But moving away from a household ruled by authority, and moving towards an environment in which we treat our children with respect and equal consideration has led to a contented, peaceful household that I didn’t think was possible to have. If you would like more information, I highly recommend Alfie Kohn’s book, Beyond Discipline: From Compliance to Community, or Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming Parent-child Relationships from Reaction And Struggle to Freedom, Power And Joy, by Naomi Aldort.

*Join the discussion at www.fairfieldvoice.com*

Along with topics like breast vs. bottle, circumcised vs. intact, vaccinate vs. non-vaccinate; I’ve found that  tv-free vs. t.v.-viewing is one of those “hot parenting topics” that ignites a lot of emotion and debate on both sides of the issue.  It’s not an issue I feel incredibly impassioned about, but in light of the television discussions going on here on the blog recently, I thought I’d share our perspective.

In our house, we allow television.  My husband and I made this decision much the same way we decided on every other parenting decision we have made: Through lots of research, discussion, and most importantly, by evaluating our own personal experiences.  And we came to the conclusion that we would be a t.v.-watching family.

Why?  Well, here are a few of our reasons:

* We strive to  live in a “consensual” environment with our children.  Each member of our familys’ wants and needs are equally considered and addressed, regardless of age. So, even if I felt that t.v. was “poison,”  (which I do not) Connor may not feel the same way.  As an independent being, he needs to come to his own conclusions about t.v.

* My kids are home-schooled, so we have the opportunity to approach television in a different way than parents of schooled children are able to.  My kids don’t spend 8-10 hours of their day in school.  Their television watching doesn’t impact our time together as a family, the time they should be spending doing homework, etc. They can watch a half-an-hour show and still have more than enough time for all of the other activities they love.

* Homeschooling alone sets my child apart from many of his peers.  He can’t have a conversation with his friends about what he did in gym class or which teacher he’ll have next year.  It was important to me not to further that stigma of homeschoolers being “isolated” by having a six year old who doesn’t know what Star Wars is all about.

* My kids enjoy reading books, comics, magazines, listening to books on c.d., watching youtube videos, and pretty much any form of media which tells a story.  Television is just another mode of story-telling for them.  They don’t turn into passive television zombies while watching Word World.  They dance and sing and practice spelling words, all while enjoying the story they’re being told.

* Contrary to what a lot of “child-raising experts” will say, I don’t believe that everything on t.v. is complete crap.  Connor, my oldest, loves the educational shows on the Discovery Channel, Animal Planet, National Geographic, and PBS.  We have a great time every year watching Shark Week on Discovery as a family.  And his favorite show, Cesar Milan the Dog Whisperer, helped him decide that he would like to be a veterinarian when he grows up.

* I suppose, most importantly, we watch television, because it works for our family.  Lots of our friends don’t have the same outlook on media that we have, and it doesn’t really matter.  Their kids aren’t social outcasts because they don’t watch television, and my kids aren’t socially and creatively stunted because they do.

And whether it’s breast-feeding or vaccines or t.v. watching, I think we’re trying to do the same thing that every parent is trying to: Simply raise our kids the best way we can.

*originally posted at www.fairfieldvoice.com*

Alright, so harvest might be over-stating it a little!  But we were able to pick some wonderful, crisp, butter crunch lettuce to go with the grilled chicken we made for dinner on Wednesday night!

And this whole gardening thing has had some unexpected advantages.  My vegetable-hating six year old was so excited to help pick, wash, and then he actually ATE the lettuce!  And he loved it!  My child…who generally makes pretend puking noises at the sight of anything remotely vegetable-looking…could not get enough of our home-grown lettuce!  There may be hope for him yet!

The rest of the garden is coming along nicely.  There’s been enough rain in the past month, and as a result we’ve only had to water about six times.  After each hard rain we go out and respray the plants with the cayenne pepper/garlic solution to keep the bugs away, and spray the perimeter  of the garden using the bottle of pee to keep the rabbits and birds away.  (Gross, I know, but it’s working!!)  We’ve had to pull weeds a few times, and I’ve pulled a few dead leaves off the strawberry plants.  Otherwise, we’ve taken a “less is more” approach with it and it seems to be working.   We can literally watch the tomato plants change every day.  They’ve gone from being about eight inches tall when we first planted them, to now being almost as tall as my six year old.  We have dozens of tomatoes started, the leeks and onions are flourishing, the pepper plants have nearly doubled in size, and the strawberry plants have finally sent out their feelers.

Overall, for this being our first gardening attempt, I’m thrilled with the progress so far!

*originally posted at www.fairfieldvoice.com*

Dear Check-out Cashiers at Hy-Vee,
Please, for the love of god, ASK ME before you try handing my two year old a lollipop.  Because, NO!!!  She cannot have one!  MAYBE if you had lollipops with safety handles on them, I would consider saying yes.  But considering you’re offering my daughter a sugar-filled marble on a stick, the answer is NO.  And when you hand her one without asking me, and then I have to take it away because she can’t eat it in the car, and then I have to listen to her scream the ENTIRE.WAY.HOME???  It makes me want to leave flaming dog poo on your car.  You know what would be even better?  If you offered a safe, non-choking hazard like a sticker or even better yet? If you could just ring up my groceries and let us be on our way…that would be awesome. 
Oh, and also?  The babies are one and two…yep, just one year apart.  And yep…I’m pregnant again.  Yep, we’re going to be busy.  Yep, we know how it happens.  Nope, it’s none of your freaking business if my husband is getting a vasectomy or if we’re going to try and compete with the Duggars for a special on TLC.  Again…please…just ring up my groceries, and I’ll take my massive amount of children and be on my way. 
Thanks so much,
That woman who looks at you like you have three heads every time you open your mouth

Dear woman in the craft department of WalMart,
Thank you for your very nice response when you asked Connor what grade he was in, and he told you that we homeschool.  It’s rare that we have people respond so positively to our educational choices.  And the fact that you used to be a teacher made this response more rare and appreciated.  However?  When you followed your niceness up by asking me what curriculum we used, and when I told you that we don’t use one, but instead focus on learning from the world around us, and then you snarled your cat-butt face at me and literally rolled your eyes at me??  It made me want to throw my  package of binding tape at you. 
Thanks so much,
The woman who is really getting tired of lousy customer service in this town

Dear cute brunette woman at Thymely Solutions,
You have been the saving grace to the lousy customer service I have received in this town this week.  Thank you for taking the time to help me find something to help my babies’ eczema.  The cream you suggested has been a life saver.  Their poor open, bleeding patches are almost gone.  Thank you for being so helpful, and so polite.  I was beginning to wonder if there was such a thing in this town!
Thanks again!
The woman who will be back in this week to buy more cream from you just because you were so nice