Dear Check-out Cashiers at Hy-Vee,
Please, for the love of god, ASK ME before you try handing my two year old a lollipop.  Because, NO!!!  She cannot have one!  MAYBE if you had lollipops with safety handles on them, I would consider saying yes.  But considering you’re offering my daughter a sugar-filled marble on a stick, the answer is NO.  And when you hand her one without asking me, and then I have to take it away because she can’t eat it in the car, and then I have to listen to her scream the ENTIRE.WAY.HOME???  It makes me want to leave flaming dog poo on your car.  You know what would be even better?  If you offered a safe, non-choking hazard like a sticker or even better yet? If you could just ring up my groceries and let us be on our way…that would be awesome. 
Oh, and also?  The babies are one and two…yep, just one year apart.  And yep…I’m pregnant again.  Yep, we’re going to be busy.  Yep, we know how it happens.  Nope, it’s none of your freaking business if my husband is getting a vasectomy or if we’re going to try and compete with the Duggars for a special on TLC.  Again…please…just ring up my groceries, and I’ll take my massive amount of children and be on my way. 
Thanks so much,
That woman who looks at you like you have three heads every time you open your mouth

Dear woman in the craft department of WalMart,
Thank you for your very nice response when you asked Connor what grade he was in, and he told you that we homeschool.  It’s rare that we have people respond so positively to our educational choices.  And the fact that you used to be a teacher made this response more rare and appreciated.  However?  When you followed your niceness up by asking me what curriculum we used, and when I told you that we don’t use one, but instead focus on learning from the world around us, and then you snarled your cat-butt face at me and literally rolled your eyes at me??  It made me want to throw my  package of binding tape at you. 
Thanks so much,
The woman who is really getting tired of lousy customer service in this town

Dear cute brunette woman at Thymely Solutions,
You have been the saving grace to the lousy customer service I have received in this town this week.  Thank you for taking the time to help me find something to help my babies’ eczema.  The cream you suggested has been a life saver.  Their poor open, bleeding patches are almost gone.  Thank you for being so helpful, and so polite.  I was beginning to wonder if there was such a thing in this town!
Thanks again!
The woman who will be back in this week to buy more cream from you just because you were so nice